Several weeks ago I was reminded me that my only concern as a Generator is whether I’m “satisfied” or not. I was reminded of this when I sheepishly complained about not getting recognition for my efforts. I can’t even remember what I was grousing about at that moment in time but it doesn’t matter.
Even as I write this my mind is confused. “What do you mean that being ‘recognized’ is none of my concern?” To only be here for my personal satisfaction (the Generator “true self” signature), seems like the most selfish, useless reason for existing…to my mind! However, when I was reminded me of this truth, I got it: satisfaction or not, the beginning and end of the story.
I do understand that if I am just doing my thing, enjoying myself, it MIGHT be recognized for my efforts, but that is not to be my primary aim. How many years have I yearned to make a difference when all I needed to know is whether I’m enjoying myself, or not? Oh yeah, most of my life.
Of course, the explanation is in my chart (see below). I have 2 defined channels, the 34/57, which is all about responding to what is healthy for my survival and interesting to me. That’s my essential life force, and is what makes me a Generator. I also have the 17/62, a “projected” channel, the channel of an organized being. THAT’S what’s looking for recognition. In addition, this mental channel is split off from my life force. And it’s a simple split so my mind is always giving ME grief about me. Hooray!
So, we have a overly identified mental channel running the show, fueled by a split which theme is inadequacy, harmonizing perfectly with an undefined ego, which is a bottomless pit of “not good enough.” No wonder my mind “thinks” that recognition is this form’s primary concern.
The Influence of Conditioning
As a child, I was rewarded for my lovely organized mind. I was rewarded in school and I was rewarded by my parents. My parents, however, were less than thrilled with the selfish nature that is me, the girl who loved her freedom and preferred to be outside with friends than, well, a lot of other things they thought I should care about. And, so the tug-of-war began. Be myself or be rewarded for my achievements.
The adult Joan continued the tug-of-war, toggling between being perceived as “reliable and useful” and craving that freedom to just be. Clearly, the tug-of-war still persists, but at least now I’m aware of it. At the same time, I can see that living to satisfy myself has begun to take over. My mind gets concerned, yet my form is happier.